Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
