Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
