I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
