No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
