Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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