I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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