Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
