She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
