So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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