I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
