Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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