Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize