I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
