so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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