I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
