I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
