The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
