my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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