ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
