Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
