K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
