Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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