I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize