Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize