overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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