tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
