We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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