Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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