My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
