My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize