I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
