Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
