I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
