Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
