he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
