I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
