Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
