I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
