How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
