Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
