I think I am morally bankrupt
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
