Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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