Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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