Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
