Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
this is an emotional support booty call
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
