3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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