ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my shit smells like andre
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
