I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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