OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
