Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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