You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
