Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
