On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
