Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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