physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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