i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
