There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
