The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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