Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
