How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
