I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
