Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
