she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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